meanass

Alright.  It’s time.  I don’t really want to write this post, cuz I’m gonna sound like a total cock.  But.  It needs to be done.

I love SheWho. Like.  Soooo much.  She wasn’t overly nice to me when I was new, but she showed up at a few Saturdays, and once I broke the ice she turned out to be the coolest mofo ever.

1. She’s hilarious
2. You can talk to SheWho about anything, she will always listen and never judge
3. She’s fucking amazing at derby
4. She has the endurance of a robot
5. She treats everyone equally
6. She goes to every practice, on time/early

Etc.  I started following SheWho around like a puppy dog.  I would sit by her, I would skate with her, I would do drills with her, and when I couldn’t do the footwork, I would get behind her and strait up copy her.

And then she “terminated her membership with RMRG.”  Talk about a dysphemism.  We all know a euphemism is a happy word in place of one that’s upsetting.  “I need to use the powder room” rather than “I need to take a massive dump.”  SheWho, on the other hand, didn’t “retire,” she “terminated her membership with.”  *Sigh.* I cried that night.  Literally.  I may have been (ok I was) a little (completely) drunk (wasted.)  But still. Sad day.

So after she quit, I posted a Help Wanted ad on my Facebook for a SheWho replacement.  Everyone liked it and giggled and haha’d it.  But I was serious, people.  I don’t fuck around.  Who am I going to follow now?  I’d tried following Rad Die, but it seemed to weird her out.  Gaygan and Sweets are awesome, but I’m still a ‘lil aloof with them.  Q didn’t jam (and is now gone–though she let me copy/follow her til I figured out backwards crossovers.)  Same for Ann Drogyny–er–Bob Loblaw.

So I was sad.  And a ‘lil depressed.  And I couldn’t figure out where to sit at practice, or who to stalk, and it took some adjusting.  That was August.  And I was freaking out about maintaining my Contender status.  Then I did.  No time for a sigh of relief, because we had an upcoming DRD bout and a travel bout to Sacramento.  I was going to do everything in my power to beat those glittery chicas (no offense intended–I say that endearingly.)  I did.  And we lost by, what, 4?  Same for Sacramento.  I did–and we won by 9!  And then I was a jamming machine for Sacred City, which was good, since Pippi was injured and our other main jammers exhausted from the night before.  Then we came home.

And I still don’t have a SheWho.  Anytime I think I’m close to finding one, I realize their practice attendance is not as good as mine, so they’re out.  Despite how amazing they are, for whatever reason, I take my practices seriously and I can’t have better attendance than my SheWho.  So now what?  It’s the “Off Season.”  I reflected on the past weeks/months.  Wow.  I have been really self-absorbed.  Derby-wise.  But…  I mean… I was trying to stay on Contenders, right?  I’m nobody, I’m not important, I’m just somebody who barely made Contenders twice.  So that’s fine, right?

And then I sorta looked at the big picture.  A year ago.  Last November.  I transferred to the Rocky Mountain Rollergirls from the Castle Rock ‘n Rollers.  I worshipped those girls.  Alice, SheWho, Pepa, Toxie, Q, Die, Nona, Lops, Pippi, Batty, etc, etc, etc.  I remember Nona pulling me aside one day to help me fix my derby stance, which had totally fucked up my back.  Coolest thing ever.

So… even if I’m just me.  Just barely a Contender…  I’m not.  In the scheme of things.  To the rest of the league, to the newbies, to the girls who’ve been here since December and haven’t quite Skills Tested yet.  I’m a Contender.  Period.  So.  I’ve been doing a disservice to those girls by being so self-absorbed, even if I don’t think what I have to say matters.  And then I realized–and this was a mind-fuck–I’ve become my own SheWho.  (This is where I sound like a total cock.)  There are so, so, so many girls to look up to on RMRG.  But nobody comes close to SheWho’s attendance.  Except me.  And I don’t even come close in numbers cuz SheWho had the added commitment of Fight Club practices.  (2 extra/ week.)

Now, granted, SheWho is way fucking cooler than me in my opinion.  But.  I think some people seem to think I’m pretty cool.  For whatever reason.  Maybe because I talk about dumps and booze on here all the time, who knows.  Maybe they’ve lost their minds (likely.)  So…  if I look at how much I worship SheWho, and, well.  Let’s say one person out there thinks I’m even half as cool as I think SheWho is…  and I’m all aloof and practicing my own shit.  Well that makes me about 10000x as much a cock as calling myself my own Who does.  So.  My goal til January 1: focus on others instead of myself.  Be more helpful to newer girls.  Be welcoming to transfers.  Etc.

You’d think this would be easy, right?  It’s not.  I feel so completely out of my element and douchey.  Fuck.  Last Sunday, we only had 6 skaters.  6 awesome skaters.  Who took over?  This girl.  Monday: Die was teaching bridging, and we split into two groups.  Who took over the second group? (The one Die wasn’t supervising?)  This girl.  I’m not trying to take over.  I’m not trying to be bossy.  I don’t think I know everything and I know I’m not the best skater and have sooo much room to grow.  It’s just…  we haven’t seen FC much lately, and when we do, it’s at Sundays.  No one else is stepping up and someone has to.  And if I’m truly focusing on helping others improve…  maybe I should be stepping up a little?  I don’t know.  It feels so weird to me.

And last night.  Five transfers being evaluated, and again, the newer skaters are more noticeable b/c FC is on a break (which is great–this time is a great time to focus on improving one’s own skills.)  I couldn’t figure out how to not be a douche in the three-wall drill.  As a jammer.  I am completely average as a jammer.  But with new girls who haven’t been exposed to the techniques we’ve been practicing lately…  I slid right though.  Again and again.  I was just trying to work on a bit of footwork, looking for holes, etc, while they did the wall.  But they asked me to you know.  Go through less.  Be less douchey. (They didn’t say that, that’s my own add-on.)  So then I skated left, right, left.  Which seemed less douchey for that drill, but in another situation might be douchey?  I just don’t know.

Lastly… there’s like.  Committees that need heading and some BOD positions and we need a Conts. Captain.  I don’t really want to do any of those things.  I don’t think I’m the right person to do any of those things.  But maybe I will.  We’ll see.