Archive for Menace’s Musings

Once you pop, you just can’t stop…

applies to Dove Dark chocolates as well as Pringles.

Food: 2952+

  • Honey nut cheerios, 1% milk, banana, coffee, sugar free carmel macchiato creamer
  • strawberries, clementines, yoplait greek w/ fruit and granola, no bake energy bites
  • Tomato Basil Tortilla w/ turkey, reduced fat swiss, greek yogurt cucumber dill dressing, spinach, and a mushroom.  Apple & Crystal Ice Black Raspberry antioxidant sparkling water.
  • 10 Dove Dark Chocolates.  Sad Panda.
  • Spinach w/ grilled chicken, strawberry, clementine, boiled egg and mushroom salad w/ greek cucumber dill dressing.
  • Zone Perfect Fudge Graham Protein Bar
  • Energy bite, snap peas… wine… Yogurt Pretzels…

Exercise:

  • 1hr. Leslie Spin
  • 50 Push Ups
  • 50 Situps

Weight: 153.6

I don’t know what happened.  I ate my snack too early?  I had strawberries and clementines instead of my apple?  I was hungry all morning.  I thought since the strawberries and clementines were individuals I could trick my tummy into thinking I’d eaten more than I really had…  Nope.  I even ate my energy bites early (w/ my snack) instead of saving them for after lunch.  The result: maybe just one Dove chocolate after lunch… or 10.  Seriously.  1 became 10.  Sad Day.

Then for dinner.  Had my salad and was full-ish, but was heading to Spin Class, so decided to add a protein bar to ensure I had enough energy to get me through the class.  Bad idea.  I was a ‘lil bloated…  plus when I came home from class, I had the psychological need to eat…  so I ate snap peas while making lunches…  and snuck an energy bite into my mouth instead of my lunch…  and finally decided to whip out my emergency non-candy-bar sweet treat: Yogurt Pretzels.  I ate them til I felt sick from sweetness.  Then went to bed.

Spin was so hard yesterday!  Lots of heavy endurance-y stuff.  I was dripping sweat the entire class.  It was awesome!  I felt great afterward!  I usually go 1-3 times a week, and have been barely making 1 class lately.  Which means I enjoy it so much more!  I know what you’re thinking.  I should apply the same thing to derby.  The thing is: I enjoy derby very much, and when I miss a spin class, I don’t have to worry about getting behind on strategy.  A) don’t care.  B) strategy in spinning?  nope.  Derby is different.

I skipped walking Reilly yesterday.  We walk her twice a day rain or shine or snow or drizzle. Yesterday was windy blizzardy during her walk time, though.  I told Tim “Reilly text me earlier and said she doesn’t want to go for a walk because the wind is making it too cold…”  😀  We played ball in the house instead.  It was fun.

My school’s newspaper has a WordPress now.  I commented on a post as “PhantomMenace.”  Hopefully this doesn’t mean they’ll find my “meanass” blog…  that could be bad…

Oh–finally weighed myself this morning.  I’ve gained 3lbs.  Ugh.  Motivation.  3lbs of chocolate fat that needs to go!  Must resist!

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The Battles Continue: Negative Nance-hole vs. Positive Polly, Dove Dark vs. Energy Bite, Red vs. Black

Food: 2809

  • Honey Nut Cheerios w/ 1% milk, coffee, carmel macchiato sugar free creamer
  • apple, yoplait greek w/ fruit and granola.  2 clementines.
  • Turkey, Reduced Fat Swiss, Spinach, Cucumber, Mushroom and Cucumber Dill Greek Dressing on a Sun-dried Tomato & Basil tortilla with Sparkling Ice Lemon Lime and two baby energy bites
  • Spinach salad w/ almonds, strawberry, clementine, tofu and Cucumber Dill dressing
  • Natural Almond Butter, milk, banana, whey protein, chia seed and Hershey’s Special Dark smoothie/protein shake
  • Red Wine

Exercise:

  • 50 toe pushups
  • 50 situps (25 leg lifts, 25 cobras)
  • Reilly walk (short)
  • 2hr. Sweets practice
  • 1hr. scrimmage

After sitting down and writing all about being positive, I had a major Hulk Menace negativity slip.  😦  Oops.

Huge food success yesterday.  2800+ healthy calories.  I have decided to experiment with wraps, so yesterday I smashed myself a turkey-swiss spinach wrap.  I’ve never been good at rolling burritos and I always overfill my tacos.  These skills translate to wrap-ping, so I struggled and designed a cucumber-dill dressing disaster.  Oddly enough, after being refrigerated all day, it stayed together well.  And was filling.  Despite the lack of bread-stuffs.  I’m quite pleased with how it turned out, and have another for today. It kills me that 6 tortillas cost $3.59 and a loaf of bread is $1.99, though…

I brought clementines and energy bites to ward off the Dove Dark Chocolates (the stash of which Karen refilled yesterday.)  Success!  Those energy bites rock.  Remind me again why I didn’t make them the past few weeks?  I jammed on a spinach salad and a smoothie-shake (what’s the difference?) before practice yesterday.  Waaay more than enough, even for a 3hr. night.  I didn’t have a snack before scrimmage, or even afterwards.  Chia seeds keep your blood sugar regulated, and your tummy full.  Considering they were in everything I ate yesterday…  must be true.  🙂

Practice was… practice.  My backwards skating has improved tremendously the past week alone.  Misto hugely helped last Thursday.  When crossing over, she told me to keep my feet on the ground.  Aha!  I can still only do it going the correct direction, but yesterday I worked on the foot movement to cross the wrong direction and improved.  Baby steps.  At scrimmage…  well first I was pleased to have four refs.  Really.  It was such a relief seeing them all show up.  I’d have been happy with three, four was amazing! Yay.  I played… okay.  I fucked up a few times and did some good things as well.  But.  Positive Polly focuses on the things she did well, so…

  • I didn’t give up.  Jamming against a Sweets-Nona-Bijou-??? wall I pushed and pushed and fought and fought and got a high block and went to the box.  But Sweets said it wasn’t really a high block.  😀  Regardless: I didn’t give up.  I kept pushing and pushing and maybe I didn’t get through, but someday soon I will.
  • Cass jamming…  seconds on the jam clock.  I dropped back and nailed someone out of Cass’s way so she scored her points as time expired.  I’m not so good at the drop back (the clockwise “danger zone,” so to speak,) so this was pretty cool.
  • Last jam, power jam Menace.  I get out of the pack and look at the jam clock.  8 seconds to get back around and through again.  Fuuuck.  My instinct is to conserve energy, w/ 8 seconds I’m not getting around the track and back through… but I’ve seen She Who lap a pack and score in 8 seconds, so fuck it.  I sped up, got around the track, and with the help of an amazing offensive hit from Cass, scored my 5 points.  Fuck yeah!  … and that was the end of scrimmage.  😀

I’ve still got an Apex-Jumping mental block.  I think I have to skip practice tomorrow (we’re hosting a playoff basketball game.  They haven’t asked me to run the clock, perhaps due to the faux pas from Saturday… perhaps b/c they think I intuitively know to be here… not sure.) So maybe I’ll hit up Saturday Scrimmage and focus on my hops.  (My hops, my hops, my lovely lady hops?)

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Negative Nancy vs. Positive Polly

Attitude is everything.

A bad attitude will make a difficult situation worse, while a positive attitude can transform a situation.  Many travelers are stuck at DIA right now.  Those looking at the delay as an adventure will have a much more positive experience than those complaining about it.  Complaining that your child has nothing to do and is cranky and misbehaving will only put both parent and progeny into a bad mood.  Instead…explore the airport.  Play hide and seek… make an adventure of the delay. You’ll still be exhausted, but in a better much better mood than the parent who nags his/her child all day to “behave.”  (Who said sitting quietly in a chair waiting patiently was “behaving,” anyway?  Children are loud and messy, trying to make them anything but is like trying to make a fish climb a tree.)

I’m on this positive kick, I have been for a while.  I understand transforming everything into sunshine and rainbows is beyond annoying–nauseating, even.  In college, a girl on my floor had been overprescribed Prozac (or some similar mood-altering drug.)  Her sunshine and rainbows and smiles made me sick; I loathed her.

When people talk shit about us, our defense is: they are jealous.  They say mean things because they are unhappy about themselves.  Negative Nancy is the same.  I know because I default to Negative Nancy.  When I am upset, when I am sad, when I am angry, when I am hurt, I become Negative Nancy.  In college those first few months: Negative Nancy.  This whole past two months: Negative Nancy. And I haven’t enjoyed being myself, so I can imagine it’s been a chore to be around me as well.

Enter: Positive Polly.

I forced myself to focus on the positive by publicly pointing out amazing things RMRG skaters do at scrimmage or practice…  it really took off.  Everyone thinks it’s really cool I do that, a few others have started doing it themselves, etc.  I actually won an award for it at Prom–kind of embarrassing, since I feel like a fraud.  It was the “fuzzy kitty” award for being warm and fuzzy.  All I was doing was forcing myself to look on the bright side.

Anyway, my point is: it’s not easy or natural to be a Positive Polly.  At least not for me.  But…  people really like Positive Polly.  Plus, Positive Polly has way more fun!  She looks at every situation as an opportunity or an adventure, not as a chore to get through.

Saturday night, the World were Positive Polly’s.  And we scored 68 points to Fight Club’s… 18?  in the first few minutes of that scrimmage.  That was incredible!  How was that even possible?  Anything is possible for Positive Polly.  Nothing is easy… but it’s possible.  Keeping a positive attitude in the eventual 420-100 point beat down was challenging.  And there were moments where we lost our cool, but we clung to our positivity as a child to his blankie, and we scored 100 points.  Against Fight Club.  And that was pretty awesome.  And totally thanks to Positive Polly (even if she is annoyingly nauseating and sugar coated.)

So.  The lesson I learned this weekend is: Positive Attitude.  Always look on the bright side of things.  And when negativity starts clouding your focus… force it.  Force a smile on your face, say something nice to someone, and make yourself be positive.  You’ll feel much better about the situation, yourself, and… everyone else will appreciate it, too.

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Getting my Grove Back

Thursday:  So much bad food.  Sushi Valentine’s Dinner.  Walked Reilly.  Push-ups, Situps.

Friday Food:

  • Egg Muffin
  • 2 Santiagos Burritos, one Mild, one Chorizo.  Some fruit.  Simply Orange Juice.
  • Chocolates and Samoas.
  • A shit ton of delicious pasta salad.  Chicken Salad on bread.  Water.
  • Dove Dark Chocolates.
  • 3 Cliff Shot Bloks
  • Chocolate Strawberry, Homemade delicious cherry chip sugar cookie.
  • Homemade Chili w/ fritos, sour cream, cheese, and a glass of wine.  (Recipe coming later today.  This was hands down the best chili I’ve ever had, and I do good work regardless, so.  Yeah.)

Friday Exercise:

  • 50 toe pushups
  • 25 leg lifts, 25 exercise ball cobras (I consulted Thunda yesterday, my “V-ups” are called leg lifts…)
  • Reilly Walk
  • Dr. Borman visit (this isn’t exercise, but it seems relevant to this column and how my body feels today.)
  • 1hr. Spin Class
  • 1hr. Off Skates Training
  • 45mins? Speed Skating Hell

Uber Alice seems really sweet.  So sweet, in fact, that when she lies to your face you believe her.  Like when she says Speed Skating won’t be hard, then tries to kill you with laps and intervals and tough drills from hell.  After Thunda’s Off Skates training.  I literally did almost puke.  I sat out twice.  I felt like a total baby.  My entire back was on fire.  It was probably because when she showed up I yelled at her for wearing shorts in the snow/cold weather.

Thunda Off Skates was Thunda Off Skates.  But I was expecting it.  So it wasn’t as awful.  I said about 40 minutes in that I might have to sit out for Speed Skating, I hurt so bad.  But then Alice said it wouldn’t be hard.  Lies.  We lifted Thunda’s sandbell over our heads and threw it as hard as we could into the floor.  That was gratifying.  “FUCK YOU EVERYTHING DIE FLOOR DIE!”  And we jogged a lot (death.)  And we sprinted, like running sprinted.  I hate running.  We did this in partners (mine was SheWho.)  I went first and started as if I were sprinting on my skates.  I was halfway across the room before I realized I’d even started, and then I almost fell over cuz I was going so fast.  And then I was all “yeah.  I’m fucking badass.”  Apparently I like sprinting.  (I like to do it at Spin Class, too. Even though it’s hard/hurts, I like to do it…)

Spin Class–funny.  Friday mornings are Kim Spin.  But when school’s out, she often has Bill sub.  I can only go when school’s out, so I went yesterday (no kids yesterday, didn’t have to be there til 8, and could be dripping sweat–I was, too.)  Bill was in there when I arrived all “you’re a glutton for these early morning classes.” Um.  No.  I’m not.  I go once every 6-8 weeks when I have a day off.  That’s all.  But Kim was running the class.  He got his sub days mixed up.  Bwaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahha.  Yes.  And as Kim was getting class started, he stood there all pathetic and whiny and said things like “you know, I had three cups of coffee…”  What do you want, Bill?  A pity teach?  Go home or get on a bike.  Geeze.  Anyway, so class was good.  I sweat A LOT.  Either b/c  I was sweating chocolate or b/b I haven’t been in a while.  Anyway, I decided it was time to get some clip in shoes, but they are not “in season” or whatever so Sports Authority isn’t carrying them (lame.)  I bought some online:  They are sweet.  They should be here Tuesday.  Yay.  (And my research prior to ordering included a text conversation w/ Misto–did you know she Spins several times a week, too?)

81+PCW-MziL._SL1500_

After Spin, on my way to work, I got a beautiful, orgasmically gratifying neck crack in.  Like C1-C… whatever the last one is.  C6?  Which was great.  Except I had my appointment with Dr. Borman scheduled, and since it cracked yesterday morning, it wouldn’t (and didn’t) when I saw him in the afternoon.  Couldn’t have happened three days ago.  Lame.  Anyway, got to my appointment and one of the first things he did was crack the upper part of my back.  When I get stressed, I get a huge knot in my right shoulder blade.  It was the size of a clementine for a while in like 2005.  It hasn’t been an issue lately, and wasn’t really yesterday, but it was definitely forming and that area was tight.  Anyway, he cracked that top part of my back and it was UH-MAZE-iNG.  OMG.  I was like “alright see you later.” Afterward because that was sooooo what I needed.  I stayed for the UltraSound massage, though.  And he fixed my elbow (it creaks when I do my pushups.)

Anyway, then, like a dumbass, I went to Off Skates/Speed Skates.  Oh well.  Oh, and Tim used all the Epsom Salt.  Boys!  Ugh!

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If my journey were “Lord of the Rings,” this is the part where they are walking, walking, walking… walking, walking, walking…

Food:

  • Honey Nut Cheerios w/ 1% milk, banana, coffee, caramel macchiato sugar free creamer
  • Greek Yogurt w/ fruit and granola, apple
  • …  four mini old fashioned glazed donuts.
  • turkey and tons of swiss on wheat with Crystal Light and Cottage Cheese.
  • … the rest of the work dove dark chocolates
  • mini twix & dark milky way
  • salmon and reduced fat cream cheese with cucumbers on wheat thins
  • … the rest of the dark chocolate reese’s
  • Cliff Shot Bloks
  • Luna Bar
  • Veggies and Hummus.
  • … the rest of the cherry cordial ice cream…

Exercise:

  • 50 toe pushups
  • 50 sit ups
  • 3hr practice

So.  On the bright side: I finished most of the bad food that I’ve been stuffing my face with. Unfortunately, there’s still some Dove Dark Chocolates at home.  And people have been giving me Valentine’s candy.  Eventually, though, if I stop buying it… I’ll stop eating it.  Maybe.

I was going to get up early and go to Spin yesterday morning since I haven’t been in two weeks?  Yeah.  Didn’t happen.  Partly cuz I didn’t wanna, and mostly cuz the guy who was gonna cover the library never got back to me…  Maybe when I start going again, I’ll stop stuffing my face with everything and start feeling better.

——————————————————————————————————————-

The rest of this is me whining.

I sat in the Port-a-Potty and cried yesterday.  Couldn’t suck ’em back any longer.  That was a first.  And hopefully a last.  Crying in the bathroom?  Ok.  Crying in a PVC outhouse filled with excrement?  Yeah.  That’s a new low.

So I’m kind of back to what Bob asked me a long time ago.  What do I love about derby?  What has me driving 45 minutes each direction during rush hour and blizzards and traffic when there are other things to be doing three times a week?

It’s hard.  But I always manage to succeed.  I work hard and I do well and I’m a fucking badass on that track.  And Roller Derby is a badass sport.  And I have badass friends who I’m constantly so impressed by and proud of.

Except… this time it was hard.  And I failed.  This is so hard to admit, but maybe it will help me let go.  In August/September…  my name came up.  For Fight Club.  As a fleeting “now that we have 18, we could…”  And obviously nothing came out of that.  But I heard about it.  And laughed.  Then heard about it again, and it was pointed out to me that with two skaters leaving and one out for six months…  oh.  So I got my shit together.  The one goal of that entire 3.5 month TBT: if I’m going to be on Fight Club, I have to do RMRG proud.  Because that is what RMRG deserves.  If it’s going to be me, I’m going to be the best me I can be.  And I was.  I rose to that challenge.

It just turns out the best me wasn’t good enough.  And RMRG didn’t want me anyway.  At first, I thought we were wrong to put 20 skaters above me.  But now.  I wonder how I even managed to be considered in the first place.

So… even if I failed…  I still got a lot out of that first TBT.  I look better.  I feel better.  I am skating better.  Right now I’m failing at this second TBT.  Tomorrow we’ll be halfway through.  I need to suck it up and own this second half.  Even if I’m not one of RMRGs best 20 skaters…  I need to be the best skater I can be to set an example for the newbies.  To represent RMRG well when the Contenders go forth into the world.  Etc.  So I should sack up.

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Emo Menace has got to go. I ordered black skinny jeans last night. Wtf?!

I really have to shake this new Emo-Menace.  I don’t like her.  Besides being a bitch, well… she’s just no fun to be around.  Or live inside.  I had a great weekend with my family and friends and teammates.  And I was so excited to skate with USPS on Sunday (I ❤ those bitches.)  Plus it was a nice change of pace from having such a Contenders focus lately.  I was just so incredibly negative and awful on the bench.  😦  I had almost nothing nice to say about/to anyone.  I had a good scrimmage, I played well, but what I remember is the douche-tacular strategy I effectively employed against Massie.  I don’t remember that I did it well.  I just remember how I felt while doing it–like a complete dickhole jackass.  And b/c I was trying not to be a complete dickhole jackass clown, I almost fucked it up.  And being so excited Misto caught Cruelie that I ran out of the box onto the track behind Cruelie (who was jamming.)  I don’t think she got my point, but it was still a stupid thing to do.

I’ve been listening to Bonnie D’Stroir’s Puppy Talk over and over and over again.  And telling everyone else to do it as well.  And I’m trying to internalize it.  And I completed an activity that goes with it (and helped, and was fun, and had a smile on my face for the better part of Friday,) but…  well in terms of things being black and white.  Yeah.  I’m not good enough.  I didn’t make it.

And you know what?  Yes.  There is a March evaluation coming up.  More than likely.  😉  The Evaluations Committee has to decide we’ll need one, but with two returning Fight Club level skaters and two-four returning Contenders level skaters… yeah.  There will be a a need for an evaluation.  That’s a good thing for me, right?  That’s a light at the end of the tunnel, right?

No.  I don’t think it is.  I’ve had an epiphany.

I just have this feeling that even if there had been one more spot on Fight Club… they wouldn’t have picked me.  Even though in the end I the first person not to make Fight Club, I might as well have been the last Contender to get a spot.  And something tells me if there had been room on the 20, they would have picked a different person from the 10.  Not me.

And then there’s two Fight Club level skaters coming back.  I’m thrilled to have both back, of course.  It’s just…  well I’ll somehow manage to stay the first person not to make the 20 or the last person to make the 10.  The Captains aren’t going to want to make huge changes/upsets to their new roster and systems they have in place.  (That’s how I feel about these returning girls and the effects we’ll feel as Contenders, so I’m assuming the FC Captains feel the same way.)  I mean, who would you pick?  The girl who might do well or the one you already decided is doing well and who is already on the team?  Changes we make in March/April will be to accomodate the returning girls, not to move those of us already around up or down.  The rosters are set.  And yes, they are fluid.  But “life” isn’t going to get in the way that quickly.  There isn’t going to be any room for me come April, just like there wasn’t in February.

So.  Time to throw in the towel.  Fuck it.  It’s over.  It’s done.  It’s decided.  I need to stop clinging to a desperate hope that it will all work out how I want it to.  It is worked out the way it was supposed to.  I need to accept that and get over it.  I was upset for a month while this went on.  And everyone’s let me mourn the past week or so.  But it’s time to move on.  It’s time to let it go.  It’s time to give up.

It’s just that… well.  I don’t give up.  So I’m having a really hard time.  But I know people will soon stop being understanding.  And I really don’t like feeling this way, and I don’t want to anymore.

So more Bonnie D’Stroir, I guess.  I’m a Contender.  And that’s badass.  I just need to realize that again.

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The Spiral Continues

Food:

  • Jimmy Dean Turkey Sausage Muffin
  • Apple
  • Salad w/ light balsamic vinaigrette and gorgonzola cheese
  • peppers, carrots, hummus
  • Beer, Coke Zero w/ Vodkas
  • Martini, Filet, Lobster Bacon Mac, green beans, caesar salad

Exercise:

  • Body Combat (boo)
  • Body Pump

Body Combat was terrible yesterday.  I am awful at it, and i kept getting lost, and I almost walked out several times.  I stuck it out and did Body Pump after.  I hate lifting, too, but at least I can do that.

Then shopping–yay!  New jeans size 8 from Levi’s (last year I had to get size 16s, so holy shit!)  Size 6 pants on clearance at Eddie Bauer so I will be comfortable at work.  New Nike’s on clearance from the outlet (mine are ghetto 1999 style, so these new ones are sweet.)  They’re navy blue w/ chartreuse accents.  Which is cool, but clashes with my black pants.  Oh well.

This lady was really mean to me at Nike.  It was super busy, so I walked over to the only place I could find a seat to try on four pairs of shoes (which I was carrying along with a pair of sweats and bags from several stores I’d already hit.)  This lady started complaining and pointed at my sweats and said “hit in the face.”  Had I hit her with my sweats when I sat down?  So I said “I’m sorry… ?”  And she said “Well you don’t have to be so RUDE.  You could say ‘EXCUSE ME'” and turned her back on me.  I said “I didn’t realize I’d done anything, and as soon as I heard you, I apologized.”  She ignored me.  I got up and moved.

Came home, put on my new Skinny Jeans and a Nuggets Tee Shirt and waited for Tim so we could go to the movies.

My principal called me.  An English teacher had a baby.  Her sub resigned Friday.  Apparently I will be teaching her classes for the next month. Which is awesome!  But I have no idea what they’re learning, what they’re supposed to do Monday, and the Assistant Principal who was supposed to call me w/ that info never did.  So I’m stressing a bit.

We saw Hansel and Gretel.  Then we went to The Outback for dinner and Tim got mad at me and it was awful and then we came home and I locked myself in the bedroom watching The Time Traveler’s Wife on TV.

He was going to go skiing with his friends this weekend and stayed home b/c I had a rough week.  I told him to go, because I knew this would happen, it always does, and I have no patience for it anymore, which only added to the awful.  I take him to the movies.  He doesn’t thank me.  We’re sitting having drinks and he starts talking about Wicked as if he’s ever seen the play or read the book (he hasn’t.)  I say it would be cool if we could go to a play once in a while.  And he blows up about how I don’t appreciate him staying home with me instead of going skiing.  He just went to a movie I wanted to see–why isn’t that enough?

If it’s such a chore hanging out with me, i wish he would stop.  Which is why I told him to go to the fucking mountains and ski with his friends.  He never wants to do anything with me.  Ever.  And when I finally drag him out, begrudgingly, on my own dime, all he does is complain and say I should be grateful he even came out.

And then he starts bitching that all I ever do is derby, and Tim should come first (and he should) but derby comes first etc etc etc.  It was really downhill from there.  Maybe i should quit.  I’m not getting out of it what I put into it.  My husband hates me.  I’m teaching tomorrow.  And i’m sitting here waiting around to go to practice.

Clearly a turning point for me.  What’s going to happen?

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