Posts tagged bonnie d’stroir

Back on track? Eh…

Food:

  • Cruelie burrito, 1% milk, coffee w/ carmel macchiato sugar free creamer
  • apple, greek yogurt w/ fruit and granola
  • Turkey and swiss on wheat.  Crystal Light.  Steamed broccoli.  2 dark chocolate reese’s (the little guys.)  2 red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting.  
  • dark chocolate reese’s…. like…  8.  
  • Leftover Spicy Shrimp Noodle Bowl, leafy greens salad w/ tofu and gorgonzola cheese w/ balsamic vinegar and olive oil.
  • Wine.  …  dark chocolate reese’s.  

Exercise:

  • 78 toe push ups, 50 situps
  • short O’Reilly walk
  • 2 hr Rad Die practice 
  • 30 minute Helen Wheels practice

Those Reese’s are evil.  I need to stop eating them.  And the Dove Chocolates.  I did great through the day and ate none.  Then before practice I just stuffed my face.  And I had two of Colin’s mom’s Red Velvet w/ Cream Cheese frosting cupcakes.  I’d licked all of the frosting off the first one so I had to eat the cupcake bare.  I needed a second to appreciate the combination of flavors.  Which was divine, btw.  😉  

Everyone seems to be enjoying the homework, so that’s good.  Plus it’s wildly entertaining for me, so there’s that.  Haha.  I hope everyone does the tough part of the homework, and not just the fun part.  (The tough part being something similar to my Congratulations, Menace post.  Or any type of celebration of one’s own Travel Team Awesomeness.  Per Bonnie D’Stroir’s advice.  The fun part being: post a picture on facebook of yourself when you started playing roller derby.)  

I’m not sure whose picture is my favorite so far.  They are all super awesome.  

My shitty derby attitude continues.  A bit.  I think?  Rad Die gave us “work on your own stuff” time last night, and I let Sweets test out my skates while I sat out instead.  I did do some pushups.  (That’s why 78 instead of 50.)  And I didn’t find a partner in time for another drill, so sat out then as well…  I dunno.   It’s just… what’s the point of busting my ass every second of every practice?  It didn’t get me where I wanted, and other people who work less hard did get there.  So I should be doing what they’re doing, right?  Not what I’ve been doing.  But that’s not the right attitude either.  I think I’m just lost and confused right now, and since I’m not sure what to do…. well.  Sometimes it’s easier to just sit out and take a breather here and there.  

I’m hoping to get back to my old self sooner than later.  Or figure out what to do if I’m not going to be busting my ass all the time.  It feels weird sitting out.  I don’t like it.  

 

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Congratulations, Menace.

Congratulations, Menace.  You made the Rocky Mountain Rollergirls Contenders.  And those chicks nominated, then unanimously voted you in as their Captain.  Wow.  Remember October 2010, when you started playing Roller Derby?  Remember December 2010, when RMRG had just won WFTDA Nationals and you took this picture after passing your WFTDA Minimum Skills Test and becoming a Castle Rock ‘n Roller?

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RMRG seemed pretty far away, remember?  Denver’s roller derby league (you hadn’t heard of the Dolls yet) who’d won Nationals.  By one point.  AJ and Uber Alice had come down to run practices, and they were just soo amazingly awesome and cool.  Remember?

A year later, November 2011.

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You played with Castle Rock against RMRG’s Kill Scouts at the Fillmore.  For 15 minutes.  During halftime of an RMRG Contenders vs. Bruising Altitude bout.  Remember seeing those badass skaters take the track?  Remember when they came out to warm up and your jaw dragged across The Fillmore’s floor?  Queen Elizabitch.  Megalops.  Toxic Taunic.  May Q Pay.  Red Die.  Uber Alice. RoboFlow.  She Who.  You screamed and screamed and screamed for Uber Alice, since you knew her and she was your favorite jammer.

And the next day. you attended RMRG Tryouts.  And Frak ignored you, and Megalops hugged you and and Sunny D evaluated you.  And your first RMRG practice–a Thursday Cruelie practice.  Push-Pull carts.  You nearly died of exhaustion.

Remember that girl, Menace?  Remember how cool you thought those Contenders were? Congratulations.  You’re one of them now.  You’re their Captain.  Your dreams came true, look:

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Also.  You adore RoboFlow.  She’s beautiful–gorgeous.  With the perfect body and most amazing rear end.  Check out that ^ picture.  It looks like RoboFlow butt, but it isn’t!  Nice work.  (Yeah, I just congratulated myself on my ass.  What?)

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Emo Menace has got to go. I ordered black skinny jeans last night. Wtf?!

I really have to shake this new Emo-Menace.  I don’t like her.  Besides being a bitch, well… she’s just no fun to be around.  Or live inside.  I had a great weekend with my family and friends and teammates.  And I was so excited to skate with USPS on Sunday (I ❤ those bitches.)  Plus it was a nice change of pace from having such a Contenders focus lately.  I was just so incredibly negative and awful on the bench.  😦  I had almost nothing nice to say about/to anyone.  I had a good scrimmage, I played well, but what I remember is the douche-tacular strategy I effectively employed against Massie.  I don’t remember that I did it well.  I just remember how I felt while doing it–like a complete dickhole jackass.  And b/c I was trying not to be a complete dickhole jackass clown, I almost fucked it up.  And being so excited Misto caught Cruelie that I ran out of the box onto the track behind Cruelie (who was jamming.)  I don’t think she got my point, but it was still a stupid thing to do.

I’ve been listening to Bonnie D’Stroir’s Puppy Talk over and over and over again.  And telling everyone else to do it as well.  And I’m trying to internalize it.  And I completed an activity that goes with it (and helped, and was fun, and had a smile on my face for the better part of Friday,) but…  well in terms of things being black and white.  Yeah.  I’m not good enough.  I didn’t make it.

And you know what?  Yes.  There is a March evaluation coming up.  More than likely.  😉  The Evaluations Committee has to decide we’ll need one, but with two returning Fight Club level skaters and two-four returning Contenders level skaters… yeah.  There will be a a need for an evaluation.  That’s a good thing for me, right?  That’s a light at the end of the tunnel, right?

No.  I don’t think it is.  I’ve had an epiphany.

I just have this feeling that even if there had been one more spot on Fight Club… they wouldn’t have picked me.  Even though in the end I the first person not to make Fight Club, I might as well have been the last Contender to get a spot.  And something tells me if there had been room on the 20, they would have picked a different person from the 10.  Not me.

And then there’s two Fight Club level skaters coming back.  I’m thrilled to have both back, of course.  It’s just…  well I’ll somehow manage to stay the first person not to make the 20 or the last person to make the 10.  The Captains aren’t going to want to make huge changes/upsets to their new roster and systems they have in place.  (That’s how I feel about these returning girls and the effects we’ll feel as Contenders, so I’m assuming the FC Captains feel the same way.)  I mean, who would you pick?  The girl who might do well or the one you already decided is doing well and who is already on the team?  Changes we make in March/April will be to accomodate the returning girls, not to move those of us already around up or down.  The rosters are set.  And yes, they are fluid.  But “life” isn’t going to get in the way that quickly.  There isn’t going to be any room for me come April, just like there wasn’t in February.

So.  Time to throw in the towel.  Fuck it.  It’s over.  It’s done.  It’s decided.  I need to stop clinging to a desperate hope that it will all work out how I want it to.  It is worked out the way it was supposed to.  I need to accept that and get over it.  I was upset for a month while this went on.  And everyone’s let me mourn the past week or so.  But it’s time to move on.  It’s time to let it go.  It’s time to give up.

It’s just that… well.  I don’t give up.  So I’m having a really hard time.  But I know people will soon stop being understanding.  And I really don’t like feeling this way, and I don’t want to anymore.

So more Bonnie D’Stroir, I guess.  I’m a Contender.  And that’s badass.  I just need to realize that again.

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Mean@$$ got her Mojo Back

Food: 1562/2334

  • Honey Nut Cheerios w/ 1% milk, banana, coffee with creamer.
  • Leafy green and spinach salad w/ tomato, red/yellow bell pepper, snap peas, celery, broccoli, cucumber… and tofu w/ Light Italian Dressing and a VitaRain Zero.
  • Avocado w/ balsamic vinegar and freshly ground pepper, banana
  • No Bake Energy Bite, 1% milk

Exercise:

  • 50 toe push-ups
  • 25 crunches
  • 25 Cobra crunches
  • Reilly Walk
  • 2 hr League Practice (w/ 55 more crunches and toe push-ups)
  • 1 hr Fight Club Practice (woot woot!)

So I got my mojo back.  Sorry for my depressing ramblings.  Bob asked me yesterday what my favorite thing about derby is.  It’s how we derby girls band together and lift each other up when we are down.  You ladies did that for me, but more watching us band together to support Lops over the holidays, etc.  It’s how strong my derby family is–knowing what girls are going through and watching them power through.  I haven’t been kicking my puppy, but other people have and I let them.  Worse I let them convince me my puppy deserved that abuse and took it.  And instead of telling him he was good and sweet and loving him, I just let him suffer.  Poor puppy.  😦   Well I petted him.  He’s wagging his tail again.

I was “late” to practice last night (on time,) and when we did a 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1 sprint w/ the same number of push-ups/crunches… I was the very last person to finish.  But you know what?  Fuck it.  I did all of my laps and all of my toe push-ups and crunches.  And I worked on my form like I was told to.  I get there early to warm up my lungs and I hadn’t last night.  Stupid week off of spinning ruined me.  Argh.  When we did a 10-8-6-4-2-4-6-8-10 at speed skating, I started tearing it up at the second set of four laps.  By the second 10 I was crushing it.  I’m slow to warm up, and that’s okay.

By the way, all the things did not get done.  Hahaha.  I have more things to do today.  I also failed at EATING ALL THE FRESH VEGGIES but I’m getting there.  😉

Sooooo didn’t eat enough yesterday.  Wow.  I felt it at practice, too (perhaps another reason I was last in the laps.)  I was tired, lethargic, and my tummy even growled at me during the last hour.

 

 

 

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