If my journey were “Lord of the Rings,” this is the part where they are walking, walking, walking… walking, walking, walking…

Food:

  • Honey Nut Cheerios w/ 1% milk, banana, coffee, caramel macchiato sugar free creamer
  • Greek Yogurt w/ fruit and granola, apple
  • …  four mini old fashioned glazed donuts.
  • turkey and tons of swiss on wheat with Crystal Light and Cottage Cheese.
  • … the rest of the work dove dark chocolates
  • mini twix & dark milky way
  • salmon and reduced fat cream cheese with cucumbers on wheat thins
  • … the rest of the dark chocolate reese’s
  • Cliff Shot Bloks
  • Luna Bar
  • Veggies and Hummus.
  • … the rest of the cherry cordial ice cream…

Exercise:

  • 50 toe pushups
  • 50 sit ups
  • 3hr practice

So.  On the bright side: I finished most of the bad food that I’ve been stuffing my face with. Unfortunately, there’s still some Dove Dark Chocolates at home.  And people have been giving me Valentine’s candy.  Eventually, though, if I stop buying it… I’ll stop eating it.  Maybe.

I was going to get up early and go to Spin yesterday morning since I haven’t been in two weeks?  Yeah.  Didn’t happen.  Partly cuz I didn’t wanna, and mostly cuz the guy who was gonna cover the library never got back to me…  Maybe when I start going again, I’ll stop stuffing my face with everything and start feeling better.

——————————————————————————————————————-

The rest of this is me whining.

I sat in the Port-a-Potty and cried yesterday.  Couldn’t suck ’em back any longer.  That was a first.  And hopefully a last.  Crying in the bathroom?  Ok.  Crying in a PVC outhouse filled with excrement?  Yeah.  That’s a new low.

So I’m kind of back to what Bob asked me a long time ago.  What do I love about derby?  What has me driving 45 minutes each direction during rush hour and blizzards and traffic when there are other things to be doing three times a week?

It’s hard.  But I always manage to succeed.  I work hard and I do well and I’m a fucking badass on that track.  And Roller Derby is a badass sport.  And I have badass friends who I’m constantly so impressed by and proud of.

Except… this time it was hard.  And I failed.  This is so hard to admit, but maybe it will help me let go.  In August/September…  my name came up.  For Fight Club.  As a fleeting “now that we have 18, we could…”  And obviously nothing came out of that.  But I heard about it.  And laughed.  Then heard about it again, and it was pointed out to me that with two skaters leaving and one out for six months…  oh.  So I got my shit together.  The one goal of that entire 3.5 month TBT: if I’m going to be on Fight Club, I have to do RMRG proud.  Because that is what RMRG deserves.  If it’s going to be me, I’m going to be the best me I can be.  And I was.  I rose to that challenge.

It just turns out the best me wasn’t good enough.  And RMRG didn’t want me anyway.  At first, I thought we were wrong to put 20 skaters above me.  But now.  I wonder how I even managed to be considered in the first place.

So… even if I failed…  I still got a lot out of that first TBT.  I look better.  I feel better.  I am skating better.  Right now I’m failing at this second TBT.  Tomorrow we’ll be halfway through.  I need to suck it up and own this second half.  Even if I’m not one of RMRGs best 20 skaters…  I need to be the best skater I can be to set an example for the newbies.  To represent RMRG well when the Contenders go forth into the world.  Etc.  So I should sack up.

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4 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    bang210 said,

    I got completely burnt out on derby back in May… I had the brilliant idea to run for the president of the league. That drained all the life out of me. Then I broke my hand in May. That was the last straw. I quit for 5 months, came back slowly, and now am back to loving it again. When I joined derby I was so excited and enthralled that I burnt myself out real quick. Maybe a break is what you need! I know you are in the big leagues, while I am on my little small town team, but if it’s not fun anymore, maybe it is time for some re evaluation. Orrrr you could come to Laramie and skate with my little team 🙂 ❤

    • 2

      lol. Thanks Bang. A break, a break. Yeah, I don’t think so. It’s worked for everyone else, but I just can’t wrap my brain around it. Plus Fillmore Bout April, Texas May, Fillmore Bout June… So I’ll just stop being miserable. Or something. 😉

  2. 3

    sunnyd605 said,

    oh man, the porta- potty cry is the worst. i hope you at least went into the handicapped one…. you can stand further way from the poo in there. how do i know, you ask? well, i’ve done it. nothing like alternating crying and gagging. goddamn our sport is full of glamour.
    have you ever talked to lops about this stuff? i would recommend it if you haven’t. she seems like the one person who might really know what you are feeling.
    you seem to be doing a lot of puppy-kicking for your effort and attitude lately… but honestly if either of those are sucking i haven’t seen it, nor has anyone else to my knowledge. give yourself a break dude. maybe take a couple of days off to sit around with your puppy. then hit your reset button and jump back in. i just feel like you need a physical and mental break from all of this stuff in order to be able to move forward.

    • 4

      I don’t wanna. 😡 No break.

      And yes. The handicapped one. Hahahahaha. I knew I wasn’t the only one, but there is comfort in knowing you’ve (literally) been there.

      And Lops. No. Not really. I told her how it went down (and I told her names. I figure having been on eval, as well as exactly here, she gets it.)

      A week off, huh… I don’t wanna. 😡 Let’s see how this next week goes…


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