Emo Menace has got to go. I ordered black skinny jeans last night. Wtf?!

I really have to shake this new Emo-Menace.  I don’t like her.  Besides being a bitch, well… she’s just no fun to be around.  Or live inside.  I had a great weekend with my family and friends and teammates.  And I was so excited to skate with USPS on Sunday (I ❤ those bitches.)  Plus it was a nice change of pace from having such a Contenders focus lately.  I was just so incredibly negative and awful on the bench.  😦  I had almost nothing nice to say about/to anyone.  I had a good scrimmage, I played well, but what I remember is the douche-tacular strategy I effectively employed against Massie.  I don’t remember that I did it well.  I just remember how I felt while doing it–like a complete dickhole jackass.  And b/c I was trying not to be a complete dickhole jackass clown, I almost fucked it up.  And being so excited Misto caught Cruelie that I ran out of the box onto the track behind Cruelie (who was jamming.)  I don’t think she got my point, but it was still a stupid thing to do.

I’ve been listening to Bonnie D’Stroir’s Puppy Talk over and over and over again.  And telling everyone else to do it as well.  And I’m trying to internalize it.  And I completed an activity that goes with it (and helped, and was fun, and had a smile on my face for the better part of Friday,) but…  well in terms of things being black and white.  Yeah.  I’m not good enough.  I didn’t make it.

And you know what?  Yes.  There is a March evaluation coming up.  More than likely.  😉  The Evaluations Committee has to decide we’ll need one, but with two returning Fight Club level skaters and two-four returning Contenders level skaters… yeah.  There will be a a need for an evaluation.  That’s a good thing for me, right?  That’s a light at the end of the tunnel, right?

No.  I don’t think it is.  I’ve had an epiphany.

I just have this feeling that even if there had been one more spot on Fight Club… they wouldn’t have picked me.  Even though in the end I the first person not to make Fight Club, I might as well have been the last Contender to get a spot.  And something tells me if there had been room on the 20, they would have picked a different person from the 10.  Not me.

And then there’s two Fight Club level skaters coming back.  I’m thrilled to have both back, of course.  It’s just…  well I’ll somehow manage to stay the first person not to make the 20 or the last person to make the 10.  The Captains aren’t going to want to make huge changes/upsets to their new roster and systems they have in place.  (That’s how I feel about these returning girls and the effects we’ll feel as Contenders, so I’m assuming the FC Captains feel the same way.)  I mean, who would you pick?  The girl who might do well or the one you already decided is doing well and who is already on the team?  Changes we make in March/April will be to accomodate the returning girls, not to move those of us already around up or down.  The rosters are set.  And yes, they are fluid.  But “life” isn’t going to get in the way that quickly.  There isn’t going to be any room for me come April, just like there wasn’t in February.

So.  Time to throw in the towel.  Fuck it.  It’s over.  It’s done.  It’s decided.  I need to stop clinging to a desperate hope that it will all work out how I want it to.  It is worked out the way it was supposed to.  I need to accept that and get over it.  I was upset for a month while this went on.  And everyone’s let me mourn the past week or so.  But it’s time to move on.  It’s time to let it go.  It’s time to give up.

It’s just that… well.  I don’t give up.  So I’m having a really hard time.  But I know people will soon stop being understanding.  And I really don’t like feeling this way, and I don’t want to anymore.

So more Bonnie D’Stroir, I guess.  I’m a Contender.  And that’s badass.  I just need to realize that again.


4 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    sunnyd605 said,

    oh buddy, i totally get what you are saying. it will pass in time, i promise. i’m having a life v. derby epiphany of my own. lots of thinking to be done, there is.

  2. 3

    dosapayne said,

    The mother is coming out!! A wise senior skater told me when I first started “you will always want more home team, contenders, fight club” its good to want more but most importantly don’t forget how far you have come, be proud of yourself dammit!! Stop thinking so much, start having fun again, do you remember why you started playing derby? Go back to that, and stop being so hard on yourself, you will get there, be patient! Ok I’m done ❤

    • 4

      lol. thanks, Dosa. You’re right, of course. And ironically–this is exactly what I (or rather Bonnie D’Stroir) told the Conts, FC, and PS at practice last night. 😉

      Thank you.

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