Body Image

The media convinces us all to be rail-thin, tall, blah blah blah.  We all know the story.  The thing is…  what is healthy?  And what really do I want out of this TBT business?  I’m good with the way I look… right?

Twice in my derby career, I’ve had to increase my pant size.  I’d been a size 10/12 (165+ lbs) with a chubby face I didn’t recognize, then lost weight til I was 145 lbs. and a size 6.  Then I stopped dieting, started drinking again, and gained most of that weight back… then I started derby.  The first few months, I lost fat and gained muscle tone… eventually, I really started putting on muscle…  only a little at CRR. My pants had tightened, and Spring of 2011 a (male) coworker laughed at me for having on “highwaters.”    My pants were too short because they had tightened in the thighs and butt.  I became a size 10… with muscled legs.  I was okay with this, unhappy, but okay.

Then I transferred to RMRG…  within a few months, my pants no longer fit.  I ignored the obvious for months.  I rocked my “highwater” pants, sighing every time I put them on.  I incessantly complained about my “Thunder Thighs” on facebook, in person, etc.  One day, Bijou posted a picture on my facebook page:

“I have Thunder Thighs, and that’s a compliment, because they are strong, and toned, and muscular.  And thought they are unwelcome in the petite section, they are cheered on in marathons.  Fifty years from now, I’ll bounce a grandchild on my thunder thighs, and then I’ll go out for a run.”

Bijou’s so sweet.  They have other ads on knees, shoulders, and butts. I appreciated the sentiment, but…  yeah.  My pants didn’t fit, and I didn’t wanna go shopping for more.

Then something interesting happened.  I’m 100% strait. I wouldn’t know the first thing to do w/ a naked woman. But women and curves are so beautiful, I do look a fair amount.  (Tim loves it.  He gets away with checking other chicks out, because I usually notice them/point them out first.)  Anyway, I think Robo is perfect.  I mean wow.  She’s so pretty and shapely.  And one day, she told me basically the same thing.  (They day we moved into the new warehouse.)  Something about me looking like a comic book super-heroine.  All stacked and curvy.  Best compliment ever.

The next day, first thing in the morning, I hit Eddie Bauer, Levis, Nike, and Gap looking for shorts for the summer and jeans that fit.  Got a couple of size 10 jeans at Eddie Bauer on clearance and some size 12 shorts at Gap.  At Levis, I found love in two size 14 pairs of Bold Curve jeans.  Pants have never fit so well.  I effing LOVE these pants.  LOVE them.  And I don’t give a fuck that they’re a size 14, or that when I went to Nike and wanted to try on their cute khaki shorts and the 12s didn’t fit, they didn’t carry my size of 14.  (Ok, I cared about that, but it’s their loss that they don’t have shorts that fit me.)

As summer came to a close, I started looking for khakis that fit like the jeans.  No luck.  I may have to become a dress girl.

Anyway, today, shopping, I was totally checking my legs out in the windows as Tim and I walked by.  I look good.  I like my curves.  Why am I posting this?  I dunno.  I guess I’m questioning my goals in this TBT. I don’t like or agree with dieting.  I dieted and lost a ton of weight that I put right back on the second I stopped depriving myself of the things I enjoy eating/drinking.

I want to improve my endurance.  I want to be a better derby player.  That is the main reason I’m doing this.  I want to be healthier.  I want to eat better, and I want to drink more water.  But not just for 90 days.  I want to learn how to do these things over the course of the next 90 days so that I can take these principles forward and apply them to my life.  Pick quinoa rather that white rice, etc.  Eat better, exercise more.

So what about my lose 10lbs. goal?  I dunno.  I just threw that in there, but when I look at my caloric intake on fitbit and I am under four days a week and over the three I drink excessively… it bothers me.  Does this mean I need to drink less?  I’m so torn.  I have given up hard alcohol and beer and am only drinking wine.  Wine is healthy, right?  … RIGHT?  Is it that I’m having more than one glass?  Do I limit myself to one glass on my non-cheat days?  But what will the consequences be if I do that?  My husband drinks A LOT.  I mean a lot.  Two-three gin-and-tonics a night.  More on weekends.  And I enjoy my wine.  And martinis.  And occasionally beer.  So…  what’s the long-term goal here?  Drink less daily?  I dunno.


4 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    fridabeater said,

    1. The TBT is a body “transformation” not a diet. That can mean whatever your want it to mean.

    2. You are SO not 100% straight.

    • 2

      Right… I’ve got to do something about my drinking. Limiting to just wine is good, I think. But I think I also need to limit my wine intake, since this is where all my extra calories are coming from.

  2. 3

    sunnyd605 said,

    here is my two cents.
    1. you definitely don’t need to worry about how much you weigh or what you look like. you look great and strong and fit. when you did your original post you talked about improving your endurance so you can be a better jammer. just focus on giving your body the right tools to be able to do that. if you treat your body right it will do things for you. like a quinoa-based quid pro quo.
    2. with the drinking thing…. i’m no doctor but there are lots of studies about the long-term results of drinking more than one alcoholic beverage a day… even wine. can you drink just one glass? if not, why not? are you trying to tune something out? trust me, i’m not judging. i love wine. i just know sometimes i use it to deal with stuff and that in the long term that never works.
    3. i still think you are straight 🙂

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